Hasimoto’s weight gain has done a doozy for my self-esteem, self-confidence, and over all happiness. Along with making me feel less than and not at all comfortable in my own skin.
It is really hard for me to have my picture taken and is even harder for me to share that image with other people. It doesn’t happen often.
People taking pictures of me and trying to tag me on Facebook?
Rarely gets approved.
I stopped and actually thought about this a little more only to realize that I have maybe a handful of pictures of myself of my time so far in Colorado. That’s when I started gaining weight (rapidly) and when all this Hashi’s stuff started. (Well, started back up again, but that’s another story for another time.)
I think I may have one picture of Scott and I together. Scott looks amazing (as he always does) and I do not. I was embarrassed for him, that he looks awesome and oh, that’s his frumptastic wife? When I don’t normally look like this and don’t want to look like this.
I didn’t want to do that to him. I didn’t want those to be the pictures he’d have to show to people. I also didn’t want those to be the images we have for our time here because that makes me even more sad.
Yes, I fully realized how fucked up that is. That’s my reality right now. This is what I’m living.
(For the record, none of this comes from Scott, this is all me and in my head. My husband is amazing and always has been. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have him as my partner and best friend.)
I might have one or two pictures of me with my dogs. I love my dogs and yet I’m not in photos with them.
I was so embarrassed by all this weight gain that I started to hide myself again. I wear a lot of baggy clothes so my stomach doesn’t show. Depending on how bloated I am that day, determines the shirt that I wear. I don’t get to wear what I want because of The Hashi Pudge. (It’s a legit thing.) I have a lot of cute shirts that I don’t wear because I don’t feel confident enough to wear them. The gym is the only place for gym clothes. I try to wear funny or empowering shirts to give me more confidence and draw attention away from all the weight.
Tank tops are reserved for the gym or home. Not out in public where my big arms are going to be seen.
I’m losing my hair and starting to get bare patches. I feel like chopping it off might help lessen the breakage and loss, however I’m too afraid to cut it because I don’t want short hair to make me look even pudgier.
I’m basically invisible at my job. I work in a male dominated field and because of my gender, my weight, and my age, I basically don’t exist. That was a really sucky realization to have and made my confidence tank even more. (Women in beer is also a whole other can of worms.)
So here I am, living in a place that I adore, with the love of my life, two punk dogs who are awesome (while also being shits), a job that I really enjoy despite it not loving me as much, and friends that mean a lot to me and I have nothing to show for it.
I hide away because I don’t want to be like this and I don’t want people to see me like this.
Dude. This seriously sucks.
So in an effort to try and take back my life, appreciate the now, and gain back some of my confidence and self-esteem, I’m doing a Selfie Challenge on Instagram for the month of September.
Each day I’ll post either a selfie or a picture of me. I’ve been so afraid of doing this because I don’t want to be seen. But it’s time to get past that. Life is too short to hide away and I really don’t want Hashi’s to define me or this period of my life.
Fuck that noise.
I wasn’t even going to post anything about this but then I thought, maybe there are other’s who are struggling just like me. Maybe someone else is feeling really down about their situation right now and we should be building each other up.
I would love for you to join in! All you have to do is be sure to tag your picture #SelfieSeptember so that everyone can follow along and support each other.
PS: This was so GD personal and super hard for me to put out there. But since I’m journaling about everything and the processes I’m going through, it needed to be addressed. (YIKES!)
Andie lives in Idaho with her husband and dog (a sweet pittie girl). She’s training to become a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner with a focus on womens’ health and autoimmune conditions. By focusing on whole foods and being active, her goal is to heal her body and to create a healthy work/home/life balance.